Yamas, ethical regulation of relationships

“Well, figure it out.”

The order landed hard—it was like my belly couldn’t breathe. I was a 24-year-old fledgling teacher in a California high school. Imagine rows of classrooms holding 3000 kids separated by concrete and palm trees. Immediately after school one day, I had been summoned to the Principal’s office.

Edna H. was an indomitable presence—no-nonsense, high-heeled and coiffed. I suspected she barely tolerated my inexperience and blonde highlights. I hoped she knew all I did was eat, sleep, and breathe being a teacher. When the summons came, I hustled to her office, nervous/excited. Did she want to tell me what a great job I was doing?

She had no time for any such niceties. “Miss Silvus. Your failure rate is too high.” I knew my classes had a lot of D’s and F’s, yet I was surprised she knew. Surely I’m not the only one, and it isn’t my fault. 

“They won’t do any homework.” She gestured toward the door, “Well, figure it out.” No suggestions, no guidance, no resources.

While her approach shot through my confidence, I was committed to those kids and doing that great job. Except that I wasn’t. I was blaming them for not behaving and thinking like me—love school, do your homework, show up ready. I was holding them responsible for thinking and behaviors they simply didn’t have. While I held that part of my job was to teach or inspire  these behaviors, it obviously wasn’t working.

This has been a tough curriculum for me. With more than a few years since then, I’ve worked to shift away from blaming others or circumstances. In their work coaching leaders all over the world, the Conscious Leadership group has found that the most effective influence begins with taking responsibility. While that may seem pretty obvious, in practice we often want to avoid responsibility when things go awry. We want to deny or avoid the truth in something, especially when it points to something in us we don’t like or understand.

For those students, I wanted to blame their parents, last year’s teachers, their schedule, anything that could explain why they showed up empty-handed and unprepared. While those might be valid explanations, they were not useful approaches. They were keeping me from taking responsibility, from helping these kids succeed in ways that would work for them. I wasn’t even doing a fair job.

That coaching group refuses to work with leaders who cannot grasp this first step, that we take 100% responsibility for our actions. This means we stop making excuses, stop looking for someone to blame, stop shifting responsibility. This also means we help others to do the same—we don’t make excuses for them, try to caretake them, or cover up their messes.

I am especially wanting people with power to start taking responsibility right now. While you don’t need me to provide examples, I am especially disheartened by the school in Iran that we bombed. Imagine an entire community losing 150 of its girls and another 100 injured. To date, no one has apologized.

It’s time to act like Edna and call each other out. We can do that respectfully, humorously, discreetly, loudly—I don’t really care. Ultimately this is about integrity—being honest, keeping our word, having those words align with actions that build, not damage. Not saying it’s easy—I don’t care about that either.

I used to think Edna didn’t offer any support because she wanted me and those highlights to fail. Now I’m not so sure. It’s possible she just wanted to straighten me out a little. I did figure out enough to get me through those years. How well the students did is partly on me and partly on them—it’s a shared responsibility.

While that can be part of a solution, we still need to start with ourselves. Notice when we want to blame. Pivot to “How much of this is actually mine, how can I shift my thinking, and how can I approach or fix this?” Notice when we fall out of integrity. Point it out when someone else does. While this might sound nosy or rude, people either appreciate hearing an honest reflection or they need to build that muscle anyway.

And to that community in Iran, I am so sorry. I have been sending prayers to your families. I want our country to make amends. Inshallah, I hope to visit some day to honor you and the memories of those girls.

yamas—ethical regulation of relationships
ahimsa – mitigating harm in thought, action, and speech
satya – truthfulness
Brahmacharya – continence, walking with God
asteya – non-stealing